7 Reasons It’s Hard to Say No
Have you ever said yes to something when you actually wanted to say no? I know I have.
Last week, I shared that I’ve been challenging myself to say no to anything that is not a full body yes. This practice has created more energy, more joy and more trust in myself.
Even still, I’m noticing that it can be difficult for me to say no.
Why is that?
It seems to me that it all comes down to fear.
Seeing the “thing behind the thing,” as a friend of mine likes to say, helps to reveal the patterns I get stuck in so that I might choose a better story.
With that in mind, here are the top 7 reasons why it’s hard to say no, and what to do about it:
1. Fear of missing out
What if I miss out?
FOMO tells us that other people are having a better time or living better lives than we are. Ultimately, the root of FOMO is comparison. And as someone once wisely said, “comparison is the thief of joy.”
What’s the antidote? Instead of focusing on the perceived experience of other people, return to your own experience. Come back to your senses by naming 3-4 things in the present moment that you can experience with each of your 5 senses. This settles our nervous system. Then connect to the reasons why saying no is actually saying yes to yourself. Remind yourself: what will you gain?
2. Fear of jeopardizing a relationship
What if I let my friend down? What if my colleagues disapprove?
We may feel reluctant to say no because we don’t want to disappoint someone else. However, when we say yes out of obligation, we are not actually strengthening our relationships. Rather we are likely creating resentment on our part, and communicating a lack of trust in the other person’s capacity. We put ourselves in the role of martyr or savior. People who truly care about us want us to show up authentically, not because we fear or pity them. They also want us to be well, and will celebrate a choice that honors our own needs.
Antidote? Trust that your relationship can receive the goodness of your no. And if this relationship cannot respect your no, understand that it is not a place where you will find the true belonging that you both desire and deserve.
3. Fear of getting it wrong
What if I make the wrong decision?
Perfectionism is one of the hallmarks of the power-over paradigm under which Western culture operates. Perfectionism has us believing in a strict binary of right/wrong, good/evil, in/out. This strict either/or way of thinking erases nuance and complexity, and sets us up to win or lose. As a result, we can often feel paralyzed by a decision, afraid to fail by making the wrong choice.
Antidote? Deep breath. Release the binary. Remind yourself that there is no “wrong.” None of us can know what will happen in the future. The only thing we can do is our best in the present moment. Instead of focusing on making the “right choice,” seek to make the choice that’s best aligned with all of who you are and what you know at this moment in time. And remember, it’s okay to change your mind and make mistakes. That’s how we grow.
4. Fear of not enough
What if this is the only option?
Our colonial capitalist society is built on a scarcity mentality. “There is not enough, so grab what you can and hoard it up.” It’s no wonder we get sucked into this toxic paradigm. We can be afraid to say no because we might think, “This is as good as it’s going to get. Something is better than nothing, right?” Wrong.
Antidote? Practice gratitude. Focus on all the goodness you already have in your life. Step outside; soak up the abundant generosity of the natural world. Connect to the Divine within you and beyond you. Remember that you are being cared for.
5. Fear of trusting myself
What if my body signals, feelings and/or instincts are wrong?
Logic reigns supreme in our Western culture. But sometimes things that make logical sense, don't always line up with our embodied experience. It can be hard for us to trust our instincts, because we are taught to override our bodies in favor of our brains. Or perhaps due to trauma, we’ve lost access to our embodied knowing. In addition, we are trained to look for answers outside of ourselves, and let those in authority call the shots. The truth is, our bodies are good and wise teachers.
Antidote? Listen to your body. Drop into your physical sensations. Notice when you feel expansion or contraction. Pay attention to your instincts and body cues. Practice allowing your body to guide you in lots of small decisions–like when it's time to use the bathroom or take a stretch break, or what to eat for lunch. Gradually, with practice, you will build more knowledge of your own body’s wisdom, and will be better able to listen to and trust in it. Working with a trauma-informed healing professional may also be helpful in reconnecting to your body’s wisdom.
6. Fear of causing conflict
What if I rock the boat?
Saying no may cause a disturbance to the status quo. It may mean plans have to change, new solutions will have to be found, or some people may feel put-out. As a result, it can feel easier to just “go with the flow” and say yes to avoid conflict. The message here is that your needs, opinions and desires aren’t really as important as other people’s.
Antidote? Return to your sense of worth. With one hand on your heart and the other on your belly, breathe in the truth that you are worthy of having your needs met, your desires honored, and your opinions expressed. You matter, and you deserve to take up space.
7. Fear of being “bad”
What if saying no means I am “bad”?
Those of us socialized as females were most likely taught that we should be nice and compliant at all times, which meant saying “yes” as often as possible. The word “no” may even have been seen as a “bad” word in our family or social contexts. If we said “no,” we may have been made to feel that we were bad, disagreeable, defiant. These messages learned as children are difficult to unlearn.
Antidote? Connect to your inherent goodness. You are a beautiful expression of the earth. You are the Divine One singing herself into being.
As you look through this list, which resonate with you? Is there something you’d like to add to it? I’d love to hear from you!
“Yes” can be such a beautiful word, but when we say yes out of fear, we are robbing ourselves of vitality, energy and joy. And therefore, we show up to the world with less capacity to both give and receive.
So may your next yes be a full-body yes! And may you have courage to live the truth of your heart. And may you be free from fear in order to say no when things do not align with all of who you are.
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Reclaiming our feminine wisdom is one aspect of the work I do as a 1:1 Soul Companion. Click to learn more.
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