Putting the Grrrr back in girl
If it is true that anger is a holy force, then why do so many of us have such a hard time giving healthy expression to our anger?
In addition to the 4 myths I addressed in my last post, one of the biggest reasons why women in particular struggle to voice our anger is the social conditioning we receive.
From an early age, girls typically learn that our value is contingent on how pleasing we are to others.
We are trained as little girls to put the needs of others ahead of our own. We are praised when we are polite, agreeable, friendly, and accommodating. We learn we should say “yes” as often as possible. The word “no” might even be seen as a “bad” word in some families. (Read here about 6 other reasons it’s hard to say no).
The message little girls typically receive in our culture is: If you are pleasing and kind, you will belong here.
I wonder if you can relate?
Anger violates this social contract. As Soraya Chemaly points out in her book Rage Becomes Her:
“when a woman shows anger in institutional, political, and professional settings, she automatically violates gender norms.”
A woman’s anger is offensive to a culture that asks us to be perpetually calm, agreeable, and nurturing. As a result of this cultural script, a woman who shows assertive or aggressive behavior is frequently characterized as being insane, irrational, demonic, or a total bitch.
In this context, showing anger can mean becoming a social outcast. And as social beings who have a biological imperative to belong to the group, this rejection can register in our bodies and psyches as a threat to life.
No wonder we learn to shove our anger down!?
As a kid, I remember my mom sharing this little poem with me:
There was a little girl
with a strawberry curl
right in the middle of her forehead.
And when she was good,
she was very, very good.
And when she was bad,
she was horrid.
The message was clear to me. I needed to be very, very good. Any sign of “badness” meant that I would be seen as a monster. As a girl I learned that being mad equaled being bad.
So how does a girl in this social context respond when life deals out difficulties as life is wont to do?
A girl often learns to get sad instead of mad.
Sadness is a more socially palatable emotion. It fits the social script for females to be demure, weak, and in need of protecting.
A girl who expresses anger and claims her power risks being perceived as a monster–worthy of rejection. But a sad girl might instead be seen as a victim, and receive the comfort and love she desires. The unconscious logic is that if she can’t be respected, at least she can be loved.
This is a convenient situation for a patriarchal society whose power-over structures have relied on strict conformity to gender binaries. Sadness causes humans to withdraw into themselves, whereas anger asks us to engage with the world around us. By losing contact with our anger, women have lost contact with our power, with the activating force inside us that motivates us to participate in the cultural conversation.
It’s important to note that an aversion to anger has been a necessary survival strategy for women in a dominator society. For thousands of years, there were few to no options for a woman except under the “protection” of a man, and expressing one’s anger just wasn’t safe. In many cultures today, this is still the norm.
And for many of us as children, it also wasn’t safe to show our anger. It’s important to have compassion for ourselves here, because we likely find ourselves up against a long social and personal history of needing to reject our anger.
For those of us in the West, we no longer live under the strict hierarchical structures of the past, thanks to social changes fought for by the righteous anger of many women, men and gender non-conforming folx before us. We also are no longer little girls dependent on the protection of others.
As a result of these changes, the field of possibility is wide open for us. And it is time to take our anger back. .
Behind our expression of anger is a sense of worth and empowerment.
In order to express anger, a woman must believe that she has a right to healthy boundaries; to safety and personal autonomy; a right to having opinions, needs, and desires. She must believe that her voice matters.
So let’s rewrite the social script and reclaim our anger believing it to be a healthy and holy expression of our humanity.
Let’s put the grrrrr back in girl.
There are a lot of things to be hopping mad about. And allowing ourselves to feel and express our anger is not only good for ourselves, but it has the potential to be a force of good in the world.
AN INVITATION TO REFLECTION
Seeing is freeing. Take some time to look at the social scripts you inherited from the culture via media, movies, stories, school, church, family, etc.
As a child, what messages did you receive about anger?
Who was or wasn’t allowed to show anger?
Did you notice anger being expressed differently based on gender?
How did gender scripts play a role in your relationship to anger, power, and aggression?
Do you have access to your anger? Why or why not?
Pssst….know someone who might like this post? Pass it on!
Tending to our sacred fire is an important aspect of the work I do as a 1:1 Soul Companion. Click to learn more.
What to read more? Check out these related posts:
Hello, dear one. I’m Stephanie.
As a Soul Companion, educator, and sacred space holder, I am passionate about deepening our connection to the earth, our bodies, and the divine mystery that dances in all that is.
Let’s journey together into the sacred wild!
